Psychology Digest: Attack of Max Payne Agents

This piece was posted by me first on Myspace..bear with the typos.

Date: June, 2006
Place: Somewhere in this beautiful world
Time: 11pm

The mobile rings twice and stops... a missed call. As I pick up the phone it again rings twice and stops. Two missed calls! I check the number- its one of my "friends". I get worried and call her back. I ask her "what happened?" She says "(Arre nothing yaar just wanted to chat with u". I say "You could have called" She says" Arre you people are richer than I'm so you can call me anytime" Thats the moment I knew I have been attacked by a Max Payne Agent!

One of the many characteristics of a MPA is that whenever they feel like talking (paining actually) with you, they will give missed calls and save money. This so called friend of mine knew very well that Iwas suffering heavy financial losses during that period and still she had the audacity to label me rich and make me feel uncomfortable. Thats what MPA are best doing at...making the other person feel uncomfortable!
Theres another variant to this "Call" MPA. This particular breed will never call/sms you, they don't understand the basis of friendship "Give n Take". So, by any chance if you happen to call them, they will talk about everything under the sun...you see its your money going down the drain.

The mutant version of "Call"MPA is the most dangerous type. They are the ones who will call you at every odd hours possible and say in asad tone" Can u pls call back?" Hearing his sad tone, You will ofcourse callback. Then will start the story of their woes (how their husband/wife, BF/GF is not treating them well, how the whole world is against them, phalana, phalana). I'm not saying that their woes are not genuine..they are. But the catch is that they will ask you to call them (i.e they will talk with you) only when they are sad or in a bad situation. They wont never remember you in their happy times, but when its gloomy you are the first one in their mind. That kind of sentiment is tolerable once in a while. But what is not tolerable is that they are talking about their woes at your expense (literally). You are awarded the "The Shoulder To Cry On" title along witha Four figure telephone bill!!! . If they really want to talk with you they should be one spending the money and not you- thats my take on it.

Another characteristic of this loathsome agent is to make everyone around him/her uncomfortable with their "observation power". Like once during my engineering college days, all girls in the hostel decided to wear saris for a function. There was a MPA amongst the girls. No sooner had she seen me ina sari, she commented "E, its a nice sari, but I guess it has seen better days" She meant" its an old sari"! (i roll my eyes)


This breed also like to answer on your behalf. Imagine a scene at the party. Someone is asking you "So, What do u do?" If a MPA happens to be nearby she/he will say " XYZ works for ABC company"! The agent seems to know more about you than you yourself do. Thats why they are called "agents" you see.

Just like an investigative agent MPAs too have a lot of curiocity in other people's lives. They will bombard you with their painful questions which you dont feel like answering at all. Their sensitivity chip is definitely missing!. They cant tell if they are suffocating someone with their intrusive nature. They also cant distinguish between a private and a public place.
Once I was traveling by a city bus and bumped into a MPA(imagine my bad luck). She shouts" E, Long Time, how r u?" Even before I could answer her question she shouts back " Heard that you have broken up with your boyfrined?" Is that a question to ask in a public transport?
I knew she did it on purspose, being true to her MPA characteristic of making someone feel uncomfortable. I decided to do something different this time. I asnwered her question with another question" Which boyfriend are you talking about the 4th one or the 5th one?" And you know what she was taken aback by my upfront assault. See, a MPA gets "high" by making someone uncomfortable but if that someone doesnot show any such sings, the agent's enthu just fizzles out.

Another weakness of the MPA is that they cannot bear "pain" even though they thrive in giving pain to others. And I say thats what you should do when attacked by such agents. Once during a trip to a shopping mall along with my classmates, I was attacked by a MPA.
As I was going through some T-shirts, she began to say " this t-shirts are tight fitting it wont look good on you" Ismiled and said " Yeah they are actually meant for AIRSTRIPs like you!" She didnot utter a word again. If she had retorted back" Thats rude" I would have said " If you cant handle comments, dont commnet in the first place".

Handle the missed call category by never calling them back. Lets see how many missed calls can they give. They can give quite a lot (personal experience). In such a case sms them " Dont behave like a psychotic" Now many might say that can ruin the friendship.....darling there is not friendship at all or the person wont pain you this way.

When the "call me back pls" calls you, just ask them" why do u want me to call u back, why dont you talk I am listening" in a normal way. I tell you they will get disturbed by your behaviour and will be carefull from next time.

Best way to tackle the "will never call but will talk n talk when you call" is to never call them. Dont give importance to those who dont deserve it.

There's a kind of Max Payne Agent whose other designation is Boy Friend/ Girl Friend. They can be pretty dangerous and harm you as they have more accessibility to you.

You know you have a Max Payne agent for a girlfriend when she asks questions like " Will you die for me?" How can someone answer questions like that? However, the real catch is that she doesnot want you to answer but wants to see your reaction. If you reply even a few seconds late
she will say in an acerbic/painful way "o.k i got your answer".
A classic situation with most Max Payne Boyfriends is that he will say " Its not working out for us, lets stay apart for sometime" You say as a matter of fact" Yeah I agree". His reaction...icy cold" You met someone?" Whether you agree with him or not , you are still the Vamp!

One of my friends had Max Payne agent as his GF. She left him for another guy, but after one year suddenly send a message through a common friend that her family dog had died and my friend had seen the dog, he must know about it ...Max Payne Agent of the ultimate kind!.

Best way to tackle such BF/GF is to break off the relation. You may love the person, but he/she will always eat up your mind with "Pain" and I 'm guess you do value "peace of mind" more than being in a relationship.


Finally, I would like to say that the best way to protect oneself from the attacks of Max Payne Agents is to wear a coat of indifference all the time.